thankful.

Sartre and Beauvoir concluded
that we as humans only have the capability
to identify that which is absent from our lives
in order to fully recognize and realize
what we ultimately have the capacity to garner and obtain,
that it is impossible to address that which we already have
because its presence is too obvious to notice,
and is inherently digested and archived within.
Despite their extensive
and thorough literature defending this sentiment,
I believe Sartre and Beauvoir got it wrong,
and that it is possible, upon careful inspection,
to still describe that which we do have,
and appreciate what we’ve already acquired.

I am thankful.

“Nothing can beat wasting the day with people who truly care about you, who you don’t have to censor yourself around out of fear of being misconstrued or deconstructed. I can be a strong black woman, I can be gay; I can talk shit and sing my heart out and drink and smoke and act like a fool and feel completely safe. With my friends, I am home.”
-October 13th, 2008

I am thankful for my friends—
my noble and distinguished collection,
my select few, my kindred company, my coven.
I am thankful for our gatherings,
our discourse, our exchanges.
Our dissections and deconstructions,
our arm-chair psychology.
I am thankful for our conversation,
our front porch system, our support system
our cigarette breaks, our binges, benders
and coffee table coalescence.
I am thankful for our conspiring,
our plans, schemes, spells and charms.
I am thankful for their anecdotes,
gossip and ear-candy.
I am thankful for their insights,
and pearls of wisdom.
I am thankful for the sunsets we’ve shared—
the ones we knew were specifically painted for us.
I am thankful for the early morning lessons
in bomb construction.
I am thankful for our plans.
I am thankful for our traditions,
I am thankful for our apocalyptic visions,
and basement bomb shelter blueprints.
I am thankful for winters to hide away from,
I am thankful for pianos,
I am thankful for musical telepathy,
and three chord songs.

I am thankful for the one who broke my heart.
You taught me about resilience, and how to persevere.
You stirred something within me that I didn’t know existed.
You made me feel alive.
And even though you couldn’t requite,
you allowed me to practice sainthood,
you saw the best of me,
a side of myself I had never even seen before.
You were the first person I ever loved,
thank you for letting me.

I am thankful for everyone who ever let me love them,
you showed me that I have the capacity to love
and all the magic and the poetry it entails.

I am thankful for the little bird.
This whole time I’ve been nesting,
I thought I was taking an active role,
by creating a space to meet a lover.
You showed me that I was actually tying myself up,
And passively waiting for someone to rescue me.

And you also give me hope that someone will rescue me.

I am thankful for everything that has transpired,
that I was able to create everything that I have,
learn everything that I know,
and know everyone that I do.

I am thankful for the person I am.

Thank you.

there is no winter and no santa claus, and, yes virginia, that's because..

And all the lights hanging
from the peaks of the houses and the arms of the trees
reminded me of all the years I asked for a lover
for Christmas and never once found a boy
gift-wrapped in reams of tissue paper
and gold ribbon under my tree.
and I wondered if I should even bother asking again
or if Santa Claus was even alive.
I’ve been building nests for years
and I just don’t understand why
no one has come to fill any of them.

Preparing for the End of the World.

“Nobody is steering this ship. We’re all just looking nervously at the approaching iceberg & wondering if we can raid the bar.”

–Amanda Palmer

My aunt and I used to joke about the end of the world the same way dissatisfied and disheartened Americans toss around the idea of moving to Canada after each presidential election: “It’s okay that George Bush won the race, the world is ending in a few years anyway; we only have to muddle through this all just a little bit longer,” we’d tell each other sympathetically, half in jest—but our sentiments were ultimately anchored in unspoken sincerity. The apocalypse has always been a quenching conversational elixir for us. Every holiday, while the rest of the family gossiped around the dinner table, my aunt and I would sneak out to the garage to smoke cigarettes and compare notes on our latest end of the world findings. From the ancient Mayan predictions and Nostradamus’ doomsday prophecies, to the more recent conspiracy theories foretelling catastrophic solar flares and the possibility of the Earth’s poles unexpectedly and violently switching, we happily accepted and swallowed each other’s cataclysmic ear candy, and giddily returned to the dinner table intoxicated by the thought of our own demise. 

I was thrilled to discover that my friends were also enchanted with the idea of the end of the world. One July evening, instead of watching the celebratory lightshow marking the birth of our nation, we drove in the opposite direction, the pyrotechnic stars bursting behind us. All we could see were the flares of the fireworks reflecting off of the clouds, as the sonic booms from the explosions overhead rattled the car. It felt like the city was being bombed. It felt like Armageddon, and we were enthralled. We sped home and spent the remainder of the evening drafting blueprints for a doomsday bunker and planning and preparing for the end of the world. 

In many regards, entertaining the thought of the possible end of days was comforting for us. Knowing that the fate of the world is completely out of your control, it’s a relief, really. As the sky comes crashing down, you don’t have to worry about that painting you never finished. You don’t have to worry about remembering birthdays, or running red lights or taking your vitamins, or making sure your hair doesn’t look too stupid, or finding a practical job, or paying the rent on time. You don’t have to worry about keeping track of the pain of the surrounding villages, or your carbon footprint, or the hereditary diseases slinking through your DNA, or finding love. The only thing you have to concern yourself with is staying alive. 

But for my friends and my aunt and I, our survival was not a priority, or even on our agenda. Despite our young ages, we had grown disillusioned with life. We had become all too accustomed to its irritability, inconsistency and its transience. For years, we had fought to maintain a sense of stability, trying in vain to come to terms with each situation, make the best of it, consolidate, and actively engage in it, secretly hoping, that maybe this time, we could somehow magically sway the results in our favor. But we had learned that no amount of manipulation could prevent the world from turning, no amount of nitpicking could prevent the sky from falling, and no amount of manhandling could prevent a house in Kansas from being uprooted in a tornado and crashing down on us, again. And again. Despite our efforts, our loved ones died—a brother, a father, a mother—as did Santa Claus and fairy tale endings. Our hearts broke, as did our wills, as we had been in mourning for years too long. We had exhausted the cards that we had been dealt, and it’s not that we wanted new hands, we just wanted the game to be over. 

So when the skies suddenly blackened, and the television channels stopped transmitting and went off the air, and the colored emergency test patterns filled the screens, we knew it was our time, and we welcomed the end of the world with open arms. 

And we were more than prepared. As believers flocked to holy sanctuaries and shrines, and the politicians and scientists fled underground, we gathered our treasures, boarded up the windows, broke out the booze and bunkered down in our designated basement shelter. We had packed practical provisions of painkillers and champagne, cigarettes and chocolate cake. For once, we would call the shots, as they would be our parting shots, and our last. 

But as the hours passed, our excitement and anticipation waned. And the realities of our predicament began to sink in. As we sat, I wondered why any of us were even there. Too often we had confessed to secretly hoping cars would hit us as we crossed the street, or that satellites would come crashing down out of the sky and impale us. If we so desperately wanted to die, why hadn’t we killed ourselves already? If we so desperately wanted to die, why hadn’t we overdosed on all the drugs we attempted to numb ourselves with? If we so desperately wanted to die, why were we huddling in a basement bomb shelter, hiding from the one thing we truly craved, our deaths? All of my research proved that we weren’t meant to survive in troubled times, and yet we had survived a lifetime on this planet. We had always complained about having to dig ourselves out of winter each year, and yet, we shoveled out regardless. 

I thought about all sunsets I knew were painted specifically for me. I thought about all the times I tried to love and failed, and knew I wanted to try again. I thought about all the times I wanted to die and suddenly knew I was not ready. 

I poured myself some champagne and raised my glass: “Here’s to the end of the world, and here’s living despite the end. Here’s to our resilience and to our survival. Here’s to regaining our footing, despite quaked foundations, and here’s to dodging houses fall from the sky. Here’s to not jumping ship when things get too hard, and here’s to our capacity to persevere. Let us ride out this storm so that we can continue to live out the great human struggle with grace and ingenuity.”

a secret worth sharing.

It hurts me to see that you are hurting.
It hurts me to know that you think yourself less
than everything you actually and truly are.
It hurts me to know that you don’t see yourself
the way I see you.
It hurts me to watch you giving up on love.

This is why I revealed my secret to you,
to show you that—despite your conclusions telling you otherwise—
there is at least one person out there who cares about and for you,
who wouldn’t change a single thing about you,
and who thinks that you are beautiful
just as you are.

If you are going to let others define who you are,
don’t forget to take my definition into consideration.

On Kierkegaard--Life Despite Death, Faith Despite Uncertainty

We as humans can rationalize anything. We have the special and inherent ability, in any situation, to effortlessly justify our actions and convince ourselves that we made the right decision, despite the overwhelming evidence stacked against us, despite the lie detector hooked to our arms and despite the possibility of an ever watchful and ubiquitous God. We can, in good conscious, rest our hands on the bible and solemnly swear to tell our truths, regardless of whether or not these truths actually exist or manifest in reality or follow the laws of logic. My alcoholic friends justify drinking all winter long as a means to keep warm, my good friend’s crack-addicted mother remedied the dirty dishes piling to overwhelming heights in the sink by breaking every last piece of her china on the kitchen floor. Believers just as easily justify death: “She’s in a better place now,” they say, looking up towards the heavens knowingly.

Last month, I attended a funeral. I cried. Everyone did. And it felt so incredibly human. But why did we weep? Did we cry because we knew we would miss our loved individual, or did we cry because that death was just another reminder of our own transience, because there is a possibility that there is not a life beyond this one, and in that moment, we were truly terrified? Is this fear of our own mortality the reason why we try to invent purpose in our lives? Is this fear of an eminent and eventual death the reason why so many of us search for something outside of ourselves for some sort of implicit meaning? Perhaps this is why Kierkegaard wanted us to re-examine the story of Abraham, not simply because believers were attempting to understand his truly alienated experience—casually, aloofly and recklessly embracing the ineffable that was his ethical struggle, and chalking it up as simply a testament of his faith—but to remind us that we should be invested in this lifetime, and not the possibility of the next. Kierkegaard not only reveals the daunting steps one must take to achieve his idea of true faith—the commitment, the disappointment, the resignation, and finally the leap—but he also unearths what lies at the core of faith: passion.

It “…is a marvel,” Kierkegaard explains, “and yet no human being is excluded from it; for that in which all human life is united is passion” (Kierkegaard 95). Having passions and faith in these passions is vital, Kierkegaard argues, because they are the fuels that feed our wills to live. As humans, we are designed to seek out meaning. There is an inherent need within us all to have a purpose. Our passions and our faith in these passions are our purpose. These passions are not assigned to us. You will not find them in any library or archive, and there are no hints, clues, tips or phone calls, magic lamps, breadcrumb trails or wishing wells to guide us to them. Our passions and our faith come from within us, and Kierkegaard underscores that we must embrace and live these passions with every fiber of our beings, despite how irrational they are, despite the likelihood of their manifestations, and despite the status quo, because they are what keep us alive and grounded to this lifetime. And just as Abraham’s dilemma was his alone to fathom, our passions and the nurturing of our own narratives are ours and ours alone to compse.

I remember towards the end of the funeral, the woman leading the service concluded with this piece of advice: “We should not ask questions of “why”, but how can we move on and continue to live despite death?” I believe Kierkegaard would endorse this sentiment steadfastly and wholeheartedly, because he says it is essential that we be invested in this lifetime, because the future is uncertain and we should cherish and revel in what we have today.

the month the sun didn't set.

As the sun slowly slipped across the sky—
waxing proudly at the crest of the heavens,
bathing everything within its reach
in a thick balm of amber and honey
warmer than the fervent intoxication
succeeding the strongest drink,
marking high noon—
I watched as it took its brief seat
at the head of the table.
I noticed that my shadow
had disappeared completely
and suddenly understood how Peter Pan
must have felt when he lost his.
I ran inside to collect a needle and
some thread, in case I had to stitch it back to my soles.
When I emerged, I found that my shadow had not yet returned.

I waited patiently—and still my shadow did not reappear.
As I anxiously searched for it under the rocking chairs
and the ashtrays, I noticed the heat of the day on my back.
I looked up and saw that the sun had not moved
from its position at midday.

Others noticed.
The national news was quick to pick up on the story.
The scientists and the experts had no explanations.
Believers knew it was a sign of the Apocalypse.
Alaskans merely laughed, all too accustomed to weeks of sunlight.
A few simply chalked the phenomenon up to
an unusually hot August.

And yet, no one was at all that alarmed
until the skies refused to rain.

As predicted, that night
the sun did not set.
Clouds gathered, and heat lightning
spindled across the sky,
teasing the fields below.
Children danced about, carrying umbrellas,
hoping the motion might elicit rain.
As they tired, unsuccessful, they retreated inside
to cool off, only to find
that their popsicles had melted
and the ice-cubes had dissolved in their trays.

The next day, the sun hadn't budged.
Flowers began to wilt and the vegetables dried up.
Water began to evaporate out of swimming pools,
leaving behind salty trails of chlorine and bleach.
Some flocked to the grocery stores
to stock up on bottled water
and to cool off in the frozen foods section,
standing, for hours at a time, in front of the freezers.

Still, the sun did not set.
Electric plants overheated.
and power was shut off,
blacking out the world.
Rivers and lakes began to dry up,
and their sandy beaches coagulated into sheets of glass.
Carpenters went out of business
for their craft was too dangerous to execute
and their work was too flammable to own.
Trees caught fire, their leaves burning
into ash and falling like snow.
Fields of sunflowers and solar panels were cut down
out of fear that they were attracting too much heat.

Still the sun did not set.
Some tried to radio the astronauts,
asking them if they had any instruments
to induce an eclipse.
Some flew magnets to the moon,
tying the attractors to weather balloons and carrier pigeons,
hoping to nudge the satellite—others flocked to the shores,
throwing their bodies against the waves,
attempting to change the tides.
Plumbers constructed chutes and pipes to the sky,
trying to funnel rain from the clouds.
Oil tankers used their drills to tap for clean drinking water.

Still, the sun did not set.
The seas began to boil.
One could light a match by merely holding it outside.
Sun rashes intensified to burns of the third degree.
Hair began to singe.

And just as people’s skin began to melt off their bones,
the sun began to sink.
The world froze.

Once again, the scientists and the experts had no explanations.
Believers believed they had been saved by a miracle.
Alaskans bitterly returned to their ice castles.
I checked the calendar and noticed that August had finally ended,
and knew I would not be vacationing in the South that winter.

old enough.

I love how motherly and overly-affectionate
the black ladies at the gas station are to me.
It’s not that I necessarily enjoy being coddled,
but it’s endearing—and who doesn’t like
being called “sweet baby” or “honey” by someone
other than their own mother.
Granted, this is coming from someone
who finds cat calls and cheesy pick-up lines
flattering rather than unwanted—
these days, I’ll take all the lovin’ and affection I can get.

Usually, when I go to the gas station to pick up cigarettes,
I am instantly and automatically requested to show
my identification and proof of age before I can even ask
for my staple cigarette brand, Camel Turkish Royals.
“You just look so young,” they explain apologetically, or
“Are you sure you want those cancer sticks, buttercup?”
they ask, in a semi-concerned-for-my-young-little-lungs
but mostly condescending tone.
“I’ve been smoking since I was fifteen,” I reply,
trying to maneuver my inked arms into the cashier’s
line of eyesight—to nonverbally hint that obviously
I’m old enough pay for a well-executed tattoo
by a professional and not some under-the-counter,
under-the-radar, back-alley artist, and thereby
old enough to buy myself a pack of smokes.
“Wait, you’re not fifteen?” they usually reply,
utterly dumbfounded, and carefully scrutinize
my ID once more.
Most people would happily accept this slip,
and welcome being mistaken for half a decade younger
than they actually are with open arms.
Lately, though, this has become a nuisance.
I’m not trying to grow up too quickly—
but it’s difficult to act my age when
Regina and Patti and everyone else
thinks I’m so young, I’m so goddamn young.

I realize that most days, I do look like a child,
with my thin and seemingly fragile frame,
soft voice and untamed, curly mop.
It doesn’t help my cause that I dress unnaturally boyish,
dawning cut-off jean-shorts, size small t-shirts
and bright red slip-on shoes,
or that my beard refuses to fill in completely,
or that I’m overly apologetic,
or that, despite having good posture—
as someone recently noted—
I sometimes intentionally slouch to appear shorter.
But, come on, whatever happened to possessing "boyish charm"?
I also look particularly angelic and clean when
I hang white shirts from my shoulders,
but sometimes I wonder if people mistake this
and associate it with naivety and purity.

I am far from pure—
I curse like a sailor,
smoke like a chimney
and drink like a fish.
I’ve had my share of drug binges
that could match Courtney Love’s,
and although I prefer vanilla milkshakes,
that’s not how I like my sex.

And I’m far from naive—
I understand the workings of the world,
I’m politically aware, I’ve lived through deaths,
I’ve suffered a broken heart on more than one occasion,
I know that sometimes promises are empty,
I know that love doesn’t always end
happily, like in the fairy tales,
I accept that bad things do happen to good people,
that nice guys often finish last
and that things don’t always work out as they should.

When I was younger, people used to tell me
I was precocious, possessing an old soul equipped
with a mind much wiser than my years.
Why suddenly have the tables turned?
At this age, I shouldn’t have to defend
my age, intellect, emotional maturity and experience,
and still, there you are,
belittling me.

Sometimes I wonder
if I will ever be old enough for you.