the crux.

I think I have an unrealistic and romantic view of how things should be:
I wield a metaphorical constitution of unattainable standards
that I know can never be met or plausibly satisfied.
And yet I have them, and hold onto them dearly like they are something sacred.
And I feel as though I might be setting myself up for failure with this mindset.
But is it wrong to want things to be right?
I want everything to be unrealistically well.
I want the state of my union to be well.
I want my affairs to be unrealistically perfect.
I want my pursuits in love to be unrealistically successful.
I want to be unrealistically swept off my feet,
safely falling head over heels.
I want an illustrious and chivalrous knight
of valor and class to unrealistically
come galloping over the hills
and save me from myself
and all those will ill-intent.

I am almost twenty-two years old,
and yet I want to be a young boy
who is taken in by and older and much wiser groom
and taken care of
and protected.
I want to nestle in the arms of another for safety.
I want security.
I want to be small and innocent and pure forever.

Except I am none of these things.

I have an unrealistic view of myself
(though, some aspects might be closer to the truth):
I feel incredibly daft and naive and unaware to
what’s actually happening in any given situation.
I like to pretend that I am quick-witted, clever and swift,
scheming and diplomatic,
but I wonder how often I am actually being played,
or unnoticing and unaware of the undertones
and unspoken terms and dynamics of conversation,
like the world is conspiring around me, not against me,
just around me,
and I am merely unaware of it all.
I am untrusting of people’s intentions,
Yet I give my brothers the benefit of the doubt in every instance.
But it is not possible to be both gracious and reserved simultaneously.
Can one be both selfless and selfish?
Vain and loving?