Knowing your worth.

We went up to Buffalo
For the weekend to visit my grandmother;
I always forget how beautiful
It is up here in the late summer.
We’re usually here in the winter,
Buried under feet of snow,
Uselessly trying to shovel our way out.
However, during—what seems like—the three months
It isn’t snowing,
It’s lovely.
All of the houses here
Are paneled in wood
And painted in creamy pastels,
The siding weathered and aged,
The worn windows flanked by shutters.
Almost every house
Has a widow’s peak
And a cozy front porch,
Accented by Victorian spindles
And intricate arabesque archways;
Porch swings and rocking chairs sway in the breeze.
All of the wild flowers are in full bloom;
The fields trimmed with
Daises, tiger lilies, hollyhocks and bluebonnet,
The Queen Anne’s lace still blotted with blood
As thick and fresh as the juice
Dripping from the sweet blackberries.
Farmer’s markets line the cobbled brick roads—
There’s even an ostrich farm down the street.
This town is quaint as fuck.

Saturday morning,
My cousin and I went garage sailing.
And I picked up some kitschy treasures.
Then we drove on the interstate;
The voyage was exhilarating.
There’s nothing like flying down the highway
With the windows rolled down—
New York State air is refreshing—
Bluegrass blasting through the speakers
And letting your hand dip
And flail across the air.
There’s nothing like
Being lost in the country,
Letting the winding, concrete ribbon
Sweep you away.

It’s nice to check out sometimes.

We visited relatives; family is refreshing.
They say there’s nothing thicker than blood,
Sometimes, I think they might be right.
We drank wine, feasted on spicy sausages
And fried green tomatoes.
We traded stories, offered advice,
Exchanged tales of encounters with the paranormal,
And compared notes on surviving this
Fucked up lifetime.

As always, we watched a disaster film.
Nothing brings people together
Quite like an alien invasion.
My aunt says, when we die
And we meet the aliens,
They’ll be shocked and amazed
That we survived a lifetime on this planet.
Granted, life could be worse,
A lot worse.
But still,
It’s really fucking difficult
Not to wig out
All the time.


Lately,
I’ve been on the bender.
I haven’t been taking care of myself.
I’ve been reckless,
And unhealthy,
And self-deprecating,
And self-destructive,
And it’s taking a toll.
My bones and muscles ache,
I can feel my heart and my will breaking.
And I don’t like it.

Sometimes,
It’s necessary to compile
A list of things that
You’re good at,
And qualities
You like about yourself,
Just to remind yourself
That you ARE a worthwhile person,
Despite what others have chalked you up to be.
And despite what even you have chalked yourself up to be.

Sometimes
You need to remind yourself
Of your own worth.


I have nice hands
And I like what I can do with them.
I can sew,
And mend holes,
And bind books together.
I could make you a doll
So you won’t have to sleep alone at night.
I can nurse a dying bird back to health,
I can also make scrambled eggs.
I could put together
The most beautiful bouquet
Of wild flowers you have ever seen,
And I’m casual around bees.
I look hot in briefs.
I can carry a tune.
I can lose my phone,
But I won’t forget to call you back.
And when the satellites
Come crashing down
I’ll still remember how to communicate.
I can beat a hoop with a stick,
I can carve a whistle out of a branch,
I can weave cat’s cradle.
And do other useless things.

I know how to grieve—
We have strange rituals,
We bury our dead
And visit their graves.
And we cry
And dwell.
This is how we cope—
I know how to grieve.
So don’t tell me how to mourn.

I can cut losses,
But I won’t burn bridges.


Although I couldn’t buy you a drink,
I could write you a heartfelt letter,
And pen poetry,
And compose songs
And paint you a masterpiece
If you asked me to.










And now, some words from the experts:

“I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
And it's not the end of the world.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I've learned that it's not what happens to people,
It's what they do about it.
I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to
doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean that they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don't even know you.
I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I've learned to love
and be loved.
I've learned...” (Omer B. Washington)







I can love.
I can love you.
I can love myself.