vitamins + water = all you need? not quite.

I’ve been drinking a lot of vitamin water lately,
Alia swears by it.
I’m hoping maybe it counterbalances
All my other unhealthy tendencies.

“Vitamins + water = all you need”, the bottle boasts.
If only this were true.
I need more.




I prayed for consistency—
I wonder if life consistently becoming increasingly more bizarre
Is the consistency I am blessed and cursed with?
It’s not exactly what I had anticipated,
Or wanted.
Something more subtle would have been preferable,
Oh well, at least I won’t be surprised when the next hurricane crashes ashore—
What will be swept up upon the beach this time?
I’m not going to make any predictions,
They might just come true.

Still,
The accident and coincidence of being
In the wrong place at the wrong time,
Consistently,
It can’t be healthy.

At least I’m somewhere?
And learning,
That must count for something.
Right?






I remember a few months back,
I was building something out of clay
And Emily was telling me
That sculptors,
Particularly those who are drawn to and work with clay
Have the greatest emotional needs
That’s why we choose to work with clay
Because it’s instantly gratifying;
You can mold it into whatever your heart desires
Carve it away,
Cut it down to size
Beat it up
Box its ears
Knead it;
And it’ll take the beating.
You can take out all your anger and distress on it
And then turn it into something beautiful

But it’s even more than that, I think.
It’s intimate
It’s you
Your hands
Making
Decisions.

You aren’t the victim of consequence.
Nothing happens by accident.
You are in control.

Maybe sculptors just have bad luck,
And we’re trying to change things for the better
Vicariously through our art.








Yes,
This entire year, I’ve been wrapping:
Spinning webs,
Weaving nests,
Cocooning.

“what are you trying to contain?”

I don’t know.

“what are you so desperately trying to catch?”














love.


Why?
I don’t know.
Only that
I don’t feel right.
I’ve been trying to fill voids for years
Feel validated.
Feel valued.


Though, to a certain extent, I am.
I’ve seen so many blatant and beautiful displays of love over the past week:

Love is sharing what you have, even if you don’t have much to offer.
Love is calling, just to check in.
Love is a stranger putting down the window and asking the person in the car next to them if they’re okay, because they looked distressed.
Love is lending an ear.
Love is lending a shoulder.
Love is calling your friends when you’re making a taco run to see if they’re hungry,
& love is buying your friends tacos when they are.
Love is restarting a movie when you’re half way through because your friend came over and wants to watch too.
Love is making art together.
Love is making music with someone, even if they can’t play the piano very well.
Love is lighting a cigarette for someone, because their hand is full of stitches
Love is swinging with a friend, just shooting the breeze
Love is taking the fall, even if it isn’t your fault
Love is opting to sleep on the floor next to someone when there is a perfectly free and comfortable couch available.





Love = all you need